The GardenDespatches from The Satyrs’ Forest

Page 14

Mx van Hoorn’s link roundup, Volume V

· Tagged as links, Mx Tynehorne’s link roundup · Leave a comment
A pair of salt and pepper shakers labelled "cocaine" and "heroin" for sale in a museum gift shop
Pic unrelated.

You know how this works. From X to Y, here’s some links i’ve scavenged from around the ’net.

The Big Here

¡ Tagged as Kevin Kelly, nature, outdoors ¡ Leave a comment

Kevin Kelly, ex-editor of the Whole Earth Catalog and founder of Wired, brings us “The Big Here Quiz”, a 30(+4)-question test of how well you know your local area. I thought i’d give it a shot. Mr Kelly says he’s “extremely interested in hearing from anyone who scores a 26 or better on the quiz on their first unassisted-by-Google try”, which absolutely does not include me. You’ve got to learn these things somehow…

  1. Point north.
    • Easily done — that’s what a lifetime of staring at maps and stargazing will do!
  2. What time is sunset today?
    • My intial guess was twenty past five; Google helpfully confirms that i was off by only five minutes.
  3. Trace the water you drink from rainfall to your tap.
    • My local water company’s water is primarily sourced from the Kielder reservoir, in the Northumbrian outback — i’ll confess i’m not entirely sure what system of pipes brings it to my house…
  4. When you flush, where do the solids go? What happens to the waste water?
    • There are several sewage treatment works near my house; could be any one of them. (The local water company’s website is hopelessly vague about what happens to the wastewater — perhaps i should have paid more attention in school.)
  5. How many feet (meters) above sea level are you?
    • My intial guess was in the vicinity of 15 metres — hopelessly far off. The actual figure was more like fifty!
  6. What spring wildflower is consistently among the first to bloom here?
    • No idea. (The Woodlands Trust helpfully informs me that primroses appear as early as December when the winter is mild.)
  7. How far do you have to travel before you reach a different watershed? Can you draw the boundaries of yours?
    • I couldn’t draw the boundaries, but the next town over is in a different watershed basically any way i travel.
  8. Is the soil under your feet, more clay, sand, rock or silt?
    • Clayey — oh, so clayey.
  9. Before your tribe lived here, what did the previous inhabitants eat and how did they sustain themselves?
    • The question strikes me as a little Amerocentric — should i just ask my Welsh friend what he had for breakfast? (And, in any case, since i’m half immigrant, who exactly are the previous inhabitants? The Normans? The Anglo-Saxons? Romans? Celts?)
  10. Name five native edible plants in your neighborhood and the season(s) they are available.
    • Garlic, from summer to early autumn.
    • Blackcurrants, in summer. (Banned in America!)
    • Blackberries, from August to September.
    • This is about where my limited knowledge runs out.
  11. From what direction do storms generally come?
    • The southwest.
  12. Where does your garbage go?
    • Landfill, mostly. (A quick Google reveals many landfill sites nearby, mostly owned by Suez.)
  13. How many people live in your watershed?
    • I have a right to privacy, Kevin.
  14. Who uses the paper/plastic you recycle from your neighborhood?
    • I should hope myself. I’d be a bit peeved if it all just gets shipped off to the Gambia or somewhere like that.
  15. Point to where the sun sets on the equinox. How about sunrise on the summer solstice?
    • You’re not going to believe this, but i can, in fact, point to the west. (Some tinkering about with Stellarium informs me that the sun rises almost due northeast on the solstice.)
  16. Where is the nearest earthquake fault? When did it last move?
    • Iceland, i would imagine. It’s constantly moving, but the last tectonic activity that reached the British ear was the eruption of EyjafjallajĂśkull.
  17. Right here, where you are, how deep do you have to drill before you reach water?
    • No idea.
  18. Which (if any) geological features in your watershed are, or were, especially respected by your community, or considered sacred, now or in the past?
    • Taking “watershed” more broadly, the river Tyne was and is quite highly regarded. The Duddo Five Stones have expansive views of the Cheviots. The Tyne Valley is home to Hadrian’s wall — dotted with temples and such for Roman soldiers — and the oft-photographed Sycamore Gap tree.
  19. How many days is the growing season here (from frost to frost)?
    • No idea — after some research, it’s about 280 days… which is a full month longer than it was thirty years ago. Probably not a great sign.
  20. Name five birds that live here. Which are migratory and which stay put?
    • Kittiwakes (migratory; the bastards have colonised the Tyne Bridge and made the whole quayside smell of bird cack), robins (stay put), common ravens (stay put), barn owls (stay put), tawny owls (stay put).
  21. What was the total rainfall here last year?
    • I’m no statistician, mate… (It was about 690 millimetres.)
  22. Where does the pollution in your air come from?
    • Petrol emissions and the occasional blast of dust from the Sahara, though one presumes coal once made up a greater part.
  23. If you live near the ocean, when is high tide today?
    • No idea, at first — my 2022 Almanac tells me it was at about 4 p.m.
  24. What primary geological processes or events shaped the land here?
    • I know about the geological history of the Channel and the Scottish Highlands, but my earthlore regarding the north east is dreadfully lacking. Something something Pennines?
  25. Name three wild species that were not found here 500 years ago. Name one exotic species that has appeared in the last 5 years.
    • Grey squirrels, murder hornts, and Japanese knotweed. In today’s globalised world, exotic species aren’t very — but perhaps the pet otter trade has driven up the numbers for Aonyx cinereus.
  26. What minerals are found in the ground here that are (or were) economically valuable?
  27. Where does your electric power come from and how is it generated?
  28. After the rain runs off your roof, where does it go?
    • Right into the gutter, mate.
  29. Where is the nearest wilderness? When was the last time a fire burned through it?
    • “Wilderness” can be a messy term to define, but a decent candidate is Northumberland National Park. No idea about the history of fires.
  30. How many days till the moon is full?
  31. What species once found here are known to have gone extinct?
    • Wooly mammoths, Irish elk…
  32. What other cities or landscape features on the planet share your latitude?
    • In Europe, we have Copenhagen and Moscow. In America… erm, Churchill, Manitoba?
  33. What was the dominant land cover plant here 10,000 years ago?
    • No idea.
  34. Name two places on different continents that have similar sunshine/rainfall/wind and temperature patterns to here.
    • Wellington and Vancouver, maybe?

While i might not have got the questions 100% correct, i still found it a fascinating learning experience. How many did you get right?

Een tierlijst van geuren, aroma’s, en stanken

¡ Getagd als geuren ¡ Laat een reactie achter
S Lavendel, kaneel, vers gemaaid gras
A Vanille, oude boeken, nieuwe boeken, buitenlucht
B Knoflook, nieuwe auto’s, citrusvruchten, knisperend brandhout, mest*
C Lijm, bleek, verf, koffie, je eigen lichaamsgeur
D Mest*, natte honden, lichaamsgeur van anderen, cannabis, uitlaatgassen
F Sigarettenrook, rotte eieren, kattenpis, menselijke uitwerpselen

* Mest zit in een superpositie waarin het alle tiers tegelijk zou kunnen bezetten — aan de ene kant stinkt het naar stront (omdat het dat ook is), maar na zo lang op het platteland te hebben gewoond, kan ik niet anders dan het verfrissend vinden voor de zintuigen. Het is de geur van het ontsnappen aan de stad - de geur van Demeter!

Smells tier list

¡ Tagged as smell ¡ Leave a comment
S Lavender, cinnamon, freshly-mown grass
A Vanilla, old books, new books, “the outdoors”
B Garlic, new cars, citrus, crackling firewood, manure*
C Glue, bleach, paint, coffee, one’s own body odour
D Manure*, wet dogs, other people’s body odour, cannabis, exhaust fumes
F Cigarette smoke1, rotten eggs, cat piss, human waste

* Manure is in a curious superposition where it could probably occupy every tier at once. On one hand, it smells like shit (because it is), but after so long living in the country, i can’t help but find it refreshing to the senses. It’s the smell of having escaped the city — the smell of Demeter!

The increasingly irregular monthly recap, “Fuck you, it’s February!” edition

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Keanu Reeves as Neo stares into the Wordle Dimension

Hello. I’ve done some things in the past month and a half. They were alright.

Films watched

  • Miranda July’s Kajillionaire: watched on a whim as part of my local art-house cinema’s “best of 2020” programme. A soppy gay kiss and a solitary touching scene can’t save this film from its own worst tendencies, with irritatingly quirky characters, jokes so dry they don’t deserve to be called “humour”, and a flat, unemotional lead. (D)
  • Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill, Vol. 1 (2003): Man sure does like his feet. (A)
  • Marvel’s Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021): I can’t be a cynic about this — it’s just plain fun from start to finish. Willem Dafoe and Andrew Garfield absolutely steal the show, almost making up for the former’s goofy mask and the latter’s abysmal Spider-flicks. Some of that CGI was a bit dodgy, though, wasn’t it? (B+)
  • The Wachowskis’ The Matrix Reloaded (2003): I’m going to say it: i enjoyed it more than the first one! Is it a better film? I don’t know about that. But it takes itself so seriously while being so unabashedly goofy that i can’t help but fall in love with it. Where else can you find PS2 Keanu fighting hundreds of Hugo Weavings in the same film as a monologue about the meaning of free will? (A-)
  • The Wachowskis’ The Matrix Revolutions (2003): This one, on the other hand, did the worst thing a film can do. It bored me — which you’d think wouldn’t be possible given its massive scale. (D+)
  • Lana Wachowski’s The Matrix Resurrections (2021): Finally, the film i binge-watched the other three to see. I appreciate what it was trying to do, and some of the worldbuilding was fascinating, but as much as i want to like it, it just falls flat on its face everywhere else. Hugo Weaving’s tech-bro replacement is a poor fit for the job. The action is just plain awful, and the dialogue isn’t much better (Lana, please log off). The best part about it was the cut-ins from the original film. Sorry, Ms Wachowski, but i think i’ll be taking the blue pill. (C-)
  • Jason Reitman’s Ghostbusters: Afterlife (2021): It’s a cynical cash-grab any way you slice it, sure. It’s less of a sequel to the original film and more a sequel to a parallel, schmaltzier Spielbergian version of it which never existed. There’s a character called “Podcast.” But… i enjoyed it! It recaptures the spark of those classic eighties kids’ films — The Goonies, E.T., &c. — in a way that’s been sorely missing for the last decade. (B)
    Spoilers

    Not sure how i feel about the ethics of CGI Harold Ramis, mind…

Things which are not films

  • 📺 Adult Swim’s Smiling Friends (2021): I have no idea what this absolutely deranged cartoon is, but i would like three more seasons and a movie greenlit immediately, thank you very much. (A)
  • 📺 The BBC’s Around the World in 80 Days (2021): Just not my thing, i’m afraid. (E)
  • 🎮 Josh Wardle’s Wordle (2021): A nice way to unpick my brain at the start of the day. (C+)
  • 📚 Mary Roach’s Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers (2003): I was very much enjoying my copy, which i had received as a Christmas gift, until i misplaced it… somewhere? It is, one presumes, now in the same dimension where all the socks and pens go.
  • 💿 Talking Heads’ Speaking in Tongues (1983): Picked this classic up at Beatdown. “This Must Be the Place (NaĂŻve Melody)” may just be the greatest song ever written. (A)
  • 🏞️ GĂŚa’s Ouseburn (4.5 billion BCE), with assistance from Lord Armstrong and T. Dan Smith: The finest place for a walk in Newcastle, if i do say so myself. I’ve been working on a post for ages about all the nuances of it, but, alas, the heavy writer’s block sits unmoving on my keyboard. (A+)

Other recent minutiĂŚ

  • Your author’s pinky finger was recently intimately acquainted with the inside of an antiseptic wipe dispenser, and she had to go to A&E to get it fixed.i Not my proudest moment.
  • Home-made flatbread. Need i say more?
  • Gods bless whoever’s been sticking up all those anti-anti-vax stickers. They’re fighting the good fight! “It’s not Covid-1984.”
A shop in a crowded market: Nil Living / Zero Waste and Refill Shop / Newcastle-upon-Tyne
I don’t mean to be a cynic, but something about the concept of a “zero-waste shop” does strike me as a little oxymoronic… and if not that, then at least a bad business model.
A beach fades into the distance under cloudy skies
Newbiggin-by-the-Sea: it’s okay™!

Leaked: 10 Downing Street’s playlist

¡ Tagged as highly serious posts, music, politics ¡ One comment

One of the more surprising results of the recent investigation into Big Boris’s lockdown conduct was the unearthing of a playlist used to motivate employees during their completely ordinary work events. Highlights include:

  • Miley Cyrus - Regular Work Event in the U.S.A.,
  • Vengaboys - We Like to Engage in Normal Work Proceedings,
  • Cyndi Lauper - Girls Just Want to Become Civil Servants,
  • Arctic Monkeys - I Bet You Look Productive in the Office,
  • Avicii - Waiting For The Results Of The Independent Investigation And Report Conducted By Sue Gray,
  • Walk the Moon - Dance then Shut Up, and, of course,
  • Shaggy - It Wasn’t Me

This list of songs, no doubt, absolves the government of any kind of wrongdoing.

Mx van Hoorn’s link roundup, Volume IV

· Tagged as links, Mx Tynehorne’s link roundup · Leave a comment

I fucked up my fingers prying open a Yankee Candle too hard the other day. At least it was my off hand. Anyway. Links!

Playlist suggestions wanted

¡ Tagged as music ¡ Three comments

Spurred on by a brief shower thought, i’ve tried my hand at making a playlist “for the bad days”: songs (mostly rock) with big, soaring crescendos that feel like an out-of-body experience. Your “Bitter Sweet Symphonies”, your „Hoppípollas”, your “‘Heroes’-es” — the songs that make you have faith in humanity, and make you not want to jump out of a thirtieth-storey window so badly.

I’ve been asking around for suggestions on the usual (Discord) channels, and have got some cracking songs in return — so, do any of you want to try your hands at it? I’d love to hear your ideas. :-)

Here’s the current set of songs on the playlist, to give you an idea of the general “vibes” — exceptional examples are highlighted in bold.

  • The 1975, “I Always Wanna Die (Sometimes)”
  • Bleachers, “Rollercoaster”
  • Arcade Fire, “My Body Is a Cage” (thx, Pike)
  • David Bowie, “‘Heroes’”
  • Kate Bush, “Cloudbusting”
  • Coldplay, “Viva La Vida”
  • Daft Punk, “Giorgio by Moroder”
  • Elbow, “One Day Like This”
  • Sam Fender, “The Dying Light”
  • Fun; “Some Nights”
  • Keane, “Somewhere Only We Know”
  • LCD Soundsystem, “Dance Yrself Clean”
  • The Naked and Famous, “Higher”
  • Oasis, “Don’t Look Back in Anger”
  • Oasis, “Champagne Supernova”
  • Radiohead, “All I Need”
  • Radiohead, “Videotape” (live at Bonnaroo)
  • Porter Robinson, “Unfold”
  • Sigur RĂłs, „HoppĂ­polla”
  • Snow Patrol, “Chasing Cars”
  • Suede, “Life is Golden” (thx, Pike)
  • Tame Impala, “Let It Happen”
  • The Verve, “Bitter Sweet Symphony”
  • The War on Drugs, “I Don’t Live Here Anymore”
  • The White Stripes, “Seven Nation Army”
  • The Who, “Baba O’Riley”

Thanks, Ms Bigot

¡ Tagged as LGBT, life ¡ Leave a comment

I saw an awful transphobic sticker on my daily constitutional the other day. I shan’t bother repeating the exact contents, because the sad sack who made it really doesn’t need more exposure, but it was just the usual “biological wombyn won’t wheesht!!!” crap. Yi kna the type.

At first it got me down, as it probably would any sane person. But then i thought — Whoever made that sticker, their bigoted views are now so unpopular, so marginalised, that they’ve had to resort to plastering stickers everywhere: the last resort of covid-conspiracy cranks, climate ostriches, football hooligans, and a number of others whose views are utterly unacceptable in polite company.

We might not be there yet as far as the law is concerned — lord knows people still have to jump through an ungodly number of hoops just to change a letter on their passport — but socially, it’s a good sign that the Inexorable March of Progress™ is continuing as planned.

Anyway. That’s how a nasty bigot made my day.

Update: sidenotes are back!

¡ Tagged as meta ¡ Leave a comment

It’s a meta one, this; you can safely ignore this post if you’re just here for the trudges through increasingly-obscure north-eastern locations and hauls of links to websites which aren’t this one.

That being said, sidenotesi are now back and functioning again! My apologies for the delay.

Your regularly scheduled programming will be resuming soon, with a walk down a stream which turns into an unexpected microcosm of local history. I’m sure all the Americans in my audience are thrilled.

Mx van Hoorn’s link roundup, Volume III

· Tagged as Mx Tynehorne’s link roundup · One comment

New year, new me, new site name, new links. You know the drill; here’s the internet’s finest content, scavenged, foraged, and brought to you by yours truly.

My favourite things of 2021

¡ Tagged as annual recaps ¡ Two comments

2021 has come and gone, and i dare say it was a fucking relief compared to the previous year. Yes, it was still a bit shit in parts, but overall, vaccination rates are up, restrictions are down, that awful man is no longer president of the United States, and poverty’s probably down again i don’t know i haven't checked. Here are some of the things that made me happy last year (in no particular order).

Music

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SZEDBFPpgw

I’m not usually the EDM type — too much meaningless soulless wub-wub for my taste — but Porter Robinson’s Nurture brings some much-needed heart to the genre. So much of it resonated with me and helped me get through some tough times, be it “Get Your Wish’s” finding a reason to keep moving forward, “Mirror’s” teardown of anxious thoughts, or “Musician’s” struggles with creativity. Cheers, Mr Robinson.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAifgn2Cvo8

I’m a Geordie boygirl born and raised, so i was predisposed to enjoy the new Sam Fender record, Seventeen Going Under— there’s a reason he’s already done two sold-out arena shows in Newcastle, after all. This album was the perfect companion to my walks throughout the region (more on those later); representing the north-east in all its many facets, from deprivation and government neglect to a proud history and modern culture.

“Aye” is like a supercharged, upgraded version of the frankly embarrassing “White Privilege” from his last album — think that “Daniel vs the cooler Daniel” meme; “Spit of You” brings me back to memories of my family in the Netherlands, and makes me wish i’d appreciated them more; Not to mention the final track, “The Dying Light”, which shows Mr Fender at his most Springsteen, tugging at heartstrings with a soaring anti-suicide power-ballad.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xjD7KbxgGQ

Wolf Alice’s third record, Blue Weekend, shows them at their anthemic, genre-fluid best. It opens with “The Beach”, which soars to highs so high you’d think they’d never top them — but the quality is so consistent throughout that it’s hard for me to pick out just a few. “How Can I Make It OK?” is an enchanting throwback about feeling unable to care for a loved one; towards the back of the album, the thrashing “Play the Greatest Hits” and emotional “The Last Man on Earth” feel completely at home together, despite only having a single track between them.

Some honourable mentions go to Chvrches, Silk Sonic, and Will Wood, all of whom have produced some bloody brilliant music in the past year.

Film and television

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqS1hviOsI4

It might not have been the best film of the year — or even the best superhero film of the year, for that matter — but my pick for my favourite film this year can hardly go to anything other than James Gunn’s The Suicide Squad, simply by the merit of being the first film i saw in cinemas since Þe Before Times. It’s raucous, gorey fun which i wouldn’t have experienced any other way.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRrhXjH1M70

Independent of viewing-place — and you know this is true because i watched it on my computer — i’d say the best film of the past year would have to be Censor, a stylish indie horror from first-time director Prano Bailey-Bond. Set in the shadow of the “video nasty” panic, this moody mystery takes its time — but it’s worth every second.

Shawn Levy’s Free Guy was unapologetically shlocky, but i had fun with it, even if i did roll my eyes when that scene at the end happened (yi kna the one). I enjoyed Pig, with Nicolas Cage — check out the restaurant scene. Dune was the most gorgeous thing i’ve ever had the privilege of seeing on the big screen. The French Dispatch is Wes Anderson at his Andersonianest, and you’ll either love it or hate it — one thing we can all agree on, though, is that Jeffrey Wright should be the voice of every audiobook. Capping off the year was Spider-Man: No Way Home; of which, despite me having never seen any of his films, Andrew Garfield was absolutely the best part.α

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urrhPYLP-eI

I didn’t watch much TV this year, but what i did watch i rather enjoyed. Inside №9 was the absolute highlight; a distressingly bingeable horror-comedy-drama-thing anthology series with big names and bigger twists. So hard to pick, but my favourite episodes, if you want to start somewhere, are “The Riddle of the Sphinx”, “The Devil of Christmas”, “A Quiet Night In”, and the delightfully meta live special.

Dark is a brilliant German time-travel twisty-mystery with a ridiculously talented casting department and (thank the heavens) an actually satisfying conclusion that keeps you going all along the ride. Go in blind — you’ll regret it if you don’t!

I finally got around to watching Chernobyl, too, and it was just as good as everyone said it was. More effective horror than anything James Wan’s ever made, that’s for sure!

The “real world”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eD0ELfiZyNk

On the last day of 2020, i wrote up some predictions for 2021 — and one of them was that live sports and concerts would remain off limits until at least 2022. How happy i was to be proven wrong when i got dragged to an Elbow gig one September night. Guy Garvey, methinks, is one of the unsung heroes of Brit-pop/rock — so many artists have taken after Elbow, but they have a comparatively diminutive presence in the popular conscience compared to your Blurs, Oases, and Radioheads.

In more physical terms, this was the year i started (long December nights have gotten in the way of finishing it) my project to walk the Blyth and Tyne railway before it reopens, which has given me a fascinating look at the current fabric of this urbanised corner of Northumberland. I haven’t much more to say on that except that it’s been so, so lovely being able once more to get out and about more often — and ticking something off my bucket list too!

Well, that’s your lot. I’ve had a nice enough 2021 — i hope yours has been too.

Chrimbo updates

¡ Tagged as Christmas, computer games, life, meta, Minecraft ¡ Leave a comment

I’ve mentioned a number of Christmas traditions i keep up here in the past, and thought you all might have wanted some updates.

I, alas, lost the Pogues Game on the very first day — i was putting on “Driving Home for Christmas” and failed to notice that The Algorithm had queued the song of my nightmares up for me next. (I proceeded to lose again on the night before Christmas, this time at the hands of Bradley Walsh.)

You’ll be pleased to hear that our annual exchange of Christmas gifts on Minecraft went all according to plan this year. Someone built me a little shrine to do as i pleased with, which was quite nice of them.

Not pictured: the already-burnt Gävle goat.

Finally, i’ve added the annual haul of records to the database for your perusal… but mostly for my own reference. :-)